At the Gym I asked the trainer, “Can you help me do the splits?” He said “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”

How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
Don’t bite any.

If I have seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other hand, what would I have?
Big hands!

A snail was making his way down the road, and a turtle was coming from the other direction. Neither one was looking where they were going, and they crashed into each other. At the scene of the accident, a police officer was taking statements from both parties. “Who’s fault do you think it was?” the officer asked the snail. The snail replied, “I don’t really know. It all happened so fast…”

A traveling stranger stopped in front of a country store. As he got out of his car, he saw a boy and a large dog sitting on the front steps. As he climbed the steps, the man smiled and asked, “Son, does your dog bite?” “No sir,” answered the boy, “My dog doesn’t bite.” So the man bent down to pet the dog, & the dog bit him. The man jumped back and said, “Son, I thought you told me your dog wouldn’t bite!” The boy replied, “Mister, that’s not my dog!”

While working at a pizza parlor, I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone, and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time, then said, “Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don’t think I’m hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.”

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The Flight Attendant looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, “Dam!”

Two racehorses are standing in the barn, and a dog is lying in the corner. The older horse, panic in his voice, says to the younger one, “I’ve slowed down a little. Haven’t won a race in quite a while. They’ll send me to the glue factory. You gotta help me! Please throw a race or two so I can win and they’ll keep me on.” The younger horse says, “I’m sorry about your situation, but that would be immoral, unethical, illegal….” “Aw, come on. It’ll save my life!” “I’m tempted, but it just wouldn’t be right…” At this point, the dog interrupts. “Oh, go on. Be a pal. Save his life.” The horses look at the dog, and one horse says to the other, “Ha! Look at that. A talking dog!”

I’m good at keeping secrets. It’s just the people I tell them to who can’t keep them.

Nick threw the baseball up in the air three times and missed it three times. He said, “The good news is I’m really good at pitching!”

After an operation on her hand, a girl asked the surgeon if she would be able to play the violin. The surgeon replied, “I don’t see any reason why not.” The girl said, “Oh, that’s wonderful news—I could not play the violin before my injury.”